Two weeks along

 

It’s just over two weeks since Joshua’s death. It’s very strange and almost impossible to imagine that life will feel right again. Sometimes there is still a physical ache in my gut. Things will have to plateau, eventually, at some new level of normalcy, but I think it will always feel like something is missing.

The first few days, when Josh was in the chapel at the Christian Community, were incredibly important and helpful for us in dealing with the initial reality of his death. It was a shocking state to be in, but it felt like things were manageable. We could sit quietly in the chapel, we could have conversations with visitors in the garden or the courtyard, we could have tea and receive food that people brought, we could talk with Richard (the priest) and we could go home or go for a walk. We could do what felt right at any given time. We also had a sense of purpose in processing what had happened, in consolidating our thoughts of who Josh was – the essence of his being – and in sending him on his way.

I believe that we all have a spirit, but I have never bothered to resolve for myself what happens to our spirit when we die. And I have never thought much of the idea of reincarnation, but I now understand its appeal. Rudolph Steiner’s anthroposophical approach to spirituality – in my limited understanding of it – is that the spirit grows through a physical life on Earth, and at the end of that life the spirit needs to know what it has become so that it can choose its next life appropriately for building on how it has developed to that point. Part of the idea behind the three day period just after death is that the spirit slowly leaves the body, and we who are left behind on Earth can help it during this time to consolidate its experiences in readiness for its next life.

Now, whether one believes that concept or not, I found it particularly helpful as a way for me to process what had happened, and I did quite a bit of writing as a way to follow trains of thought rather than having my mind constantly jumping from one painful thought to another. This idea provided a reason to think and talk about (and to) Joshua. Richard’s version of spirituality is that our relationship with Joshua does not end here – there can continue to be a mutually beneficial interaction. For me, this is far more helpful than just thinking that Josh is now in heaven and that’s that.

The way I choose to conceptualise it doesn’t alter his reality, it just alters my understanding of spirituality. If I think he’s in heaven, that can make me feel good that he is safe and fine and no longer in pain; but anthroposophy does a lot more for me in that it provides a completely different perspective on what happened during Joshua’s life.

As a parent in this position, it is very hard not to regret certain things that I did or didn’t do or say. Nothing can be undone now. It’s final, and that is one of the hardest things to face. But if I take the view that, actually, Joshua’s journey of spiritual development is not over, then while I can admit that I made mistakes, I can also see that he can work around them and build on those experiences. To some extent he would have learnt from unpleasant experiences while he was here, but maybe that learning will become the building blocks of still more growth.

Where I am now, two weeks later, is not in an easy place. I have done lots of thinking and talking, and I feel like that’s enough, I want to stabilize. I am back at work, so for at least part of the day I have something else to focus on. But the unease lies in the thought that I might lose the opportunity to establish a new type of relationship with Joshua. Lorraine has been actively following that path, but I have not. To be honest, the very idea is difficult for me, despite what I have written in the previous paragraphs. I have had a lot to absorb in the past few months, and it’s been a challenge.

With all that in mind, here are some thoughts from Antoinette, a friend and parent at Michael Oak:

An idea I had at the memorial gathering was to suggest a get-together with some friends to look at pics and talk about Joshua, a bring-and share-soup evening or afternoon or tea-and-cake and to just honour him, as a way to help him in the way Richard suggested, and to help our process, because most of us do not have a clue where to begin with helping Josh or ourselves around his (or anyone else's) passing.

The idea is to meet a few times, first to look at pics and choose some to get copied, then to make copies (each person or family that wants pics gets copies made, then returns original) and then to get together to make collages that friends can hang or put up in a special place at their respective homes. Currently we have the funeral service pamphlet pics up on our sideboard with flowers and candles and we light the candles each morning and evening and Hannah writes notes to Joshua and my uncle Leon on some days and we sing the 'Brother let me be thy servant' song daily and often at night before we go to sleep, thinking of Josh. This all just happens quite naturally, like picking up the phone to say hi almost. Before I may have worried that it was too late to disturb or knew he was at the doc or what should I say, now we just do it (no limitations) and it feels different every time for me.

Getting together with a purpose, looking at pics also gives a structure, a way to start socializing where we have to get used to doing so without Joshua's physical presence. The collage idea, and for us, lighting candles and singing, is a way to keep him in our thoughts and to pray for him for his sake and is a way for us to shed tears but to be as positive as possible and to be comfortable with the idea that death is another step on a journey.

I am trying to understand and help the girls understand that death is a door through which a person passes where the rest of us cannot follow because it is our task to remain and do work here while that person's task is to work in the spiritual world, either looking back on a long life in preparation for further spiritual self-development, or to do work in the spiritual world. The collage idea is also a way to feel connected to others who are doing the same, to know that the support is there even if unseen in the same way that Josh is still present, just unseen.

Lorraine and I are not in a space right now where we would want to participate in the kind of get-together suggested by Antoinette, but others may find it useful. We do have a corner in the lounge where we have a candle and picture and a comfortable chair, and I know that others have done something similar. I like the idea of “just saying hi”. In the most profound ways, many things have now changed forever, but Joshua is still Joshua.

Comments

[Cathy Venter]

Thanks for writing about how you are feeling Rory. I often just click onto your website to see if you have put something else in. I think of you all often, and can only imagine the nightmare of it all. Personally in time I think you should publish these profound things you write about... it is incredibly touching and thought provoking. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

From
Cathy Venter

[jeannette]

We planted a tree in Josh's honour last week. When I was with you and Lorraine in South Africa a week ago, and in Josh's room I felt very connected. Back in Toronto I was struggling to reestablish the connection -- somehow having an area dedicated to Josh has helped.

Love Jeannette

[Audrey]

Thinking of you, Rory. That you are able to articulate the unspeakable is incredible to me. Thank you for sharing Joshua's journey with us, for your generosity and your strength. Blessed Be.

[Tanya]

Rory and Lorraine,

I am thinking of you both today, as I have every day since hearing of Josh's illness. I check this site daily. I really like to look at Josh's pictures and see his beautiful face and his beautiful spirit shine through. Thank you again for making it possible to stay connected even though we are on the other side of the world.
Love Tanya

[Erica Tsujita]

Hi Rory,

I still appreciate reading your blog and hearing some of what you are feeling/experiencing. Of course, I can only imagine what heartache you are going through, but you seem so strong and brave. We talk about Josh here at home and remind Jeremy and Casey of things we all did together. I'm especially glad for the DVD you gave us, but also for the chance to talk with Josh on Skype.
I love you,
Erica